The Colonoscopy Caper

When I first turned the Big 5-0, my doctor started bugging me about getting checked for colorectal cancer. This year, I finally decided to give in and have a colonoscopy performed. No big deal, right?

Everyone who had undergone the procedure told me the same thing: the prep is worse than the procedure. They were (mostly) right.

Preparation:
Five days prior to the procedure, stop taking aspirin or blood-thinning medications. I take a low-dose aspirin every day. I didn’t take out my colonoscopy instruction sheet until the Sunday before my Wednesday procedure, so stopping for five days was no longer an option. But three days? Sure.

The day before the procedure you are required to be on a clear liquid diet. No solid food AT ALL, except for breakfast you can have two hard-boiled eggs. I decided to pass on breakfast. I could still have coffee the day before, but only for breakfast. After that, it is clear liquids or Gatorade, but no red, blue or purple flavors. I could also have chicken or beef broth.

My instructions said to buy two 32 oz. bottles of Gatorade (again, no red blue or purple colors; I choose orange and lemon-lime G2), two 238 gram bottles of Miralax and a small package of Dulcolax laxatives.

At 1:00 p.m., you are instructed to take two Dulcolax laxative tablets with a glass of water. As far as I could tell, this had no real affect. At the same time, combine of one the Gatorade bottles with one of the Miralax bottles. (The result is about 1-1/3 bottles of thick liquid) and refrigerate.

The real prep begins at 6:00 p.m. You have to drink an 8 oz. glass of Gatorade/Miralax solution every 15-20 minutes until the first prep phase is finished. Within an hour of starting this part of the program, I was starting to void my bowels.

At 10:00 p.m. the instructions tell you to take two more Dulcolax pills along with 2 Gas-X pills (not in the shopping list, but whatever) and combine the second bottle of Gatorade with the second bottle of Miralax.

The instructions didn’t tell me to NOT plan on sleeping the night before the procedure, but they should have. I was up every hour on the hour making an urgent trip to the bathroom. After midnight, there was really nothing solid or even partially solid coming out of me.

Four hours prior to the procedure (in my case, at 3:00 a.m.) you start taking the Gatorade/Miralax solution again, 8 oz. every 15-20 minutes, just like before. ("Using a straw may help!") The bowl voiding started all over again, right up to 5:30 when my brother (God love him) picked me up to take me to the Digestive Wellness center in Norton. Despite being instructed to be at the Center 45 minutes to an hour prior to the procedure, there was no staff present at 6:00 a.m. The outer door to the Center was unlocked, so I pulled it open and an alarm promptly went off. Five minutes later, my brother was using copspeak to diffuse the situation with the Norton police. Fifteen minutes later, someone finally let us in – none too soon for me and additional bowel voiding. I voided twice more before the 7:00 procedure and still wasn’t finished.

Procedure:
The staff at the DWC was fantastic at explaining every step, every detail of the procedure. After disrobing, having my vitals checked, getting my primary assessment done, and meeting my doctor (Dr. Qadir – he’s awesome and I highly recommend him), the nurse started a saline IV in the back of my right hand for anesthesia. Afterward, I was wheeled in my bed to the Procedure Room. The nurses loaded me up with nasal O2, a blood pressure cuff, heart monitor pads and blood oxygen monitor on my finger. The anesthesiologist came in and asked how I was doing. Holding up my poked, taped, mechanized limbs, I replied, “I’m good. This isn’t terrifying at all.” I was instructed to roll over onto my side and then I was out.

I know from my briefing that I was awake and in twilight, but I remember nothing at all. The next thing I knew, I was back in my curtained cubicle, fully awake and the nurse was asking me if it was okay to bring in my brother. “Absolutely,” I responded. There was no grogginess, no fog, just clarity. The nurse was even surprised by how fast I recovered. The doctor came in and explained that they removed two small polyps, which looked benign but were being sent to the lab. He smiled and seemed confident everything was routine and suggested I return in three years. Apparently, they can't releasep me for a specific amount of time to recheck my vitals, but by 8:15 I was in the wheelchair, being taken out to my brother’s car.

Post-Procedure:
Tom and I went to breakfast because I WAS STARVED at a local place, Sweet Henrie’s. I had the recommended French toast and bacon. It was fabulous!

The folks at DWC told me not to return to work, that I should relax and nap the rest of the day. And while I was certainly tired from the lack of sleep from the night before, I didn’t feel in any way sick, so at 11:00 I went to pick up my weekly comics allotment (because, duh, Wednesday) and went into work. I worked a half-day, surprising my co-workers. I went to lunch with two of them, Rebecca and Jeremy. Just another day. At 4:30, I picked Jake up from the kennel and went home to watch TV and chill.

So, unless I hear something back from the lab, that is the story of my colonoscopy. Nothing to be afraid of. The prep really is worse than the procedure.